a letter to someone

I never wanted to keep you away from them, I was only asking for a little attention. You spend 24 hours with some and more than 10 hours with a few. What is an hour or 2 compared to that? I even encourage you to not miss any of the hangouts you do with them.

I wish this ache will disappear. I never wanted to hurt someone because I never want to be hurt, who does? And yet I am aching without compare. And hurting someone, too. I barely can take this. I can barely take a breathe without having the urge to cry. It's eating me minute by minute of my waking hours. I do not know how to sleep, if ever I could. I wish I could sleep with someone to watch over me who cares. I wish for a white senselessness.

I was never this needy. I was never this vulnerable in my entire life. I miss the comforts of my family. I miss the embrace of loved ones. I want to be with familiar faces, familiar touch and familiar scene. I dont want to keep a face, pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I want to cry on friendly shoulders.

I depended on you. And I ruined everything. Is it so bad to ask for attention when I need it? Maybe I didn't ask correctly. Maybe I was too demanding, maybe I was too stupid to just expect it. You have your life, I know. I seem to forget that.

Why does it have to hurt this way? I wish for heart to stop beating. I want to apologize. I did. But it seems you arent taking it. I understand. I will try to bear this. It's just that I don't know how.

Where did I go wrong? Where was I wrong? Was I wrong to depend on you, I'm sorry. Was I wrong to ask for something you are not willing and able to give anymore? I'm sorry. Was I wrong to give you too much and you're stifled? I'm sorry. Was I wrong to expect something I was not working to deserve? I'm sorry. Was I wrong to love you too much? I am sorry. And I am guilty.

Maybe this all for a reason. God knows my relation with Him and maybe He is giving me a lesson. Or maybe a punishment. I know I deserve one. I just don't know how to get through this. I can't see.

Maybe I am being over melodramatic. Maybe it's just my way.

I know he will never read this. But I just hope he will. But I don't care. I don't want to care.

The least I could ask is for you to accept my apology. Even just a simple "Hi". Is it too much to give to someone you used to care? Everything I wish for is your apology and a promise to TRY to be better. But if I have my way, I wish everything will be alright. But I know I can't wish that, I know you don't feel anything anymore. And I'm devastated.